Sunday, March 15, 2015

Jonesy boy.

The day before i went into labour, Lane took Locke to feed cows and Jones and I went off on a little adventure! which really meant we just walked around all of the corrals. He is the most high-spirited, busy, self-entertained 2 year old! this simple walk was so exciting to him, as most things are! He is so easy to please and good natured. He takes childhood to the next level - a branch is really an airplane. a rock is a race car. a bunch of leaves is a terrifying monster. He can sit for hours with mere trinkets! it is so fun to watch him and his creative imagination! 

I always want to remember how fun he was at this stage - so carefree and excited about every little thing. my little adventurer. 

Up to date!

I've dedicated Sunday to those things that i normally have zero time for - like organizing pictures. After the kids went to bed i was bound and determined to get all the pictures off my phone and computers and onto memory cards so i could start with everything clean and fresh (and not beeping at me that there is no space left for pictures!!, i hate that!) I realized that i have some catching up to do, and so get ready for the barrage - we are going back to the night i had collins - and yes its been that long since i've cleaned off my phone!!

Jones meeting sister collins for the first time. It went as far as a simple kiss, and then he was back to playing with his orange!

Naturally interlocked fingers on her first night. aw...

I was so excited to have her all cleaned up and stick a tiny flower in her hair - a girl! it seemed so surreal, and instantly different from the boys. Even as a newborn we treated her a bit different, just a bit more careful? almost as if we were afraid of holding her wrong and hurting her feelings! 

I couldn't stop taking pictures of her! it was just so exciting to finally meet her!!

When Locke finally got to meet her he just wanted to squish and hold her tiny hands!

 dad swooped in on his Harley a couple days later and the boys had a HOOT pretending and climbing all over it! 

precious baby lips!

Of course within a week we were off to Skye's for the customary newborn pictures - although this time she was 6 months pregnant herself! we were all so nervous when she got up on that little crate for a better angle - but when she gets in the zone she cannot be stopped!!


Upstairs the boys were busy playing hard with all their cousins in lehi! 

Tuesday, February 3, 2015

Productivity as a mother.

It has taken me a full 6 months to bounce back to my full productivity as a mother after having Collins. 6 MONTHS. oh my. It makes me cringe a bit as i go through everything to reorganize my life to the nice state it once was!

Today i was feeling a bit disheartened about it. How do i use my time more effectively? do i wake up earlier? get a babysistter just so i can accomplish my goals? turn on more cartoons? i'm accomplishing more right? so extra cartoons are actually beneficial??!!? I've been struggling. or maybe wrestling with myself (that better explains it) i came across a quote today someone on instagram. An unlikely source of inspiration, i know. but its brilliant. It reads:

"Productivity is not God's highest goal for the season of my life; obedience is. Success in His kingdom is not measured by accomplishments or accolades. Rather, God says,"Whoever desire to become great among you, let him be your servent."...whenever i start to veiw motherhood as mundane, unimpressive, and unexciting, i must remember that it is my great privilege." 
-Leslie Ludy

Sometimes the internet is such a positive place. Other times i find myself comparing myself to those moms who "just finished their 1 hour daily workout" or "attended the temple for the 2nd time that week" Not to the point where im depressed about it, but more like i feel like i'm not pushing myself enough. ACCOMPLISHING enough. I feel like this will be a daily struggle for me, i like to keep busy! to cross off my list at the end of the day thinking " I'm SO winning at this mothering thing!!" Like this life is all about though, its a balance. 
Doing those things that make you happy as a mother. A clean house. Healthy meals. 
And time to just enjoy all the small moments. 

Collins learning to blow spit bubbles. 

Taking time to interpret Jones puppy whines since he won't talk today.

Realizing Locke is actually singing the words to a new primary song. 

I have never felt more exhausted, beaten down, joyus, or fulfilled. 

Monday, October 20, 2014


Today was rough. Collins slept a total of 10 min today, and out of desperation to feel like i accomplished something, i let her cry it out in her bouncy seat while i vacuumed the basement with lightning speed. Locke tapped my shoulder and asked to play on my phone 855802052085 times today (i'm on the verge of burning that dang thing…) and Jones would NOT stop grabbing Collins's hand or foot to squeeze the life out of it! he does not get the term "soft" in any form. It was a day i felt like all i was doing was scolding. not teaching. not parenting. not accomplishing. anything. When lane got home  it was all i could do to burst into tears. There was no dinner even started - in fact i had completely forgotten all about it because the only thing i tried so hard to remember was to move the dang sprinkler around the lawn without flooding the basement. So Lane did what he does best - help me! we loaded everyone into the van and headed into town to grab a bite to eat. after the kids fell asleep on the way there, i turned off their cartoon and blasted the radio while dancing with all my might. When we got home Lane turned to me and said, "bad day?" (while trying not to smile, which meant it made his lip quiver. My absolutely favorite thing about him. he is incapable of lying because of it.) By this time i was feeling bucket loads better. But it wasn't until Jones woke up at midnight and i went in to comfort him did my day become amazing. As i sat there rubbing his back and analyzing my middle child, i was completely overcome with all the love i had for that little guy. Right now he has a nasty gash over his eye where the nursery bully threw a metal car at his face, short bangs where he got a hold of my craft scissors (the dull zig zag ones) and gave himself a haircut, and a ton of nasty earwax literally falling out of his ears - but to attempt to extract it would basically mean wrestling with a pissed off baboon so…He is a beautiful mess. And to explain how much i love him would be impossible. i think i'm finally starting to understand a mothers love. I have decades until i understand what that really means, but i remember being pregnant with collins, thinking there was no way my heart could expand to fit the love of another child. but it did. and the love for my other children actually grew. I know i'm super blessed to have these three crazy kids but there are days that weigh on me. And make me feel unfit as a parent. and not good enough. But then there are these small, extremely important moments that happen, and i just feel the spirit so strong. Tonight was one. sitting with Jones, and just loving on him till i felt like my heart would burst.

Saturday, September 6, 2014

Sibling love

I decided to try some of the fun pinterest-type sibling pictures i've loved with my own kids - and it was completely solidified the reason why im not a photographer - it was a struggle.  But still fun, and i'm glad i finally sat down and did it. there are a few others i'd like to experiment with them and try, but i'll see if im brave enough next week! 

While none of them turned out perfectly, below are the ones i would undoubtably consider "outtakes"

We are completely head-over-heels with baby Collins, and I can't wait till she is smiling and giggling at the boys! 

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Life with three kids is crazy. 

I'm constantly doing something 
dishes, laundry, tidying, wiping, comforting, changing, cooking…
it seems never ending.
 and sometimes i just like to stop and look around the house,
and force myself to realize that its not "mess"
its evidence that my kids have been there, 
happy. content. playing.
experiencing childhood.

Thursday, August 14, 2014

From belly to baby

One of my goals to finish before the baby came was to pull together a scrapbook of Jones and Locke's first year that they could take with them eventually when they go off to school *sniff* Unfortunately for Jones, we somehow left the hospital taking only 3-4 simple iphone pictures. It was sad. So this time I really wanted to get a ton of "lifestyle" pictures. They are black and white but once uploaded to blogger a few have a weird brown tone to them? not sure why that happened.
But i just wasn't sure how i was going to swing getting some action shots seeing as i always deliver so quickly its just been Lane and I there for the delivery in the past! This time though, things were much different.

Collins delivery story starts monday morning, July 28 2014. I could tell she had settled low, like REALLY low into my hips making sleep kinda painful and just plain uncomfortable. (the complaint of every pregnant woman at 38 weeks, am i right??!?) I was very encouraged to wake up with a few strong, consistant contractions - they went away within an hour, but i was excited to know this pregnancy was coming to an end! I saw my Dr. at 2:00 and i was sitting at 3 cm dialated. I guess at 4 cm they keep you in the hospital and since Dr syndergaarrd was going out of town next week I let him talk me into stripping my membranes. OUCH. like seriously ouch! He was lucky to get out of range of my fist because he didn't tell me stripping membranes is basically shoving his hand way up and SCRATCHING off the first layer of your cervix. I'm not an angry person, but i even got mad at my amazing nurse who started giggling as i called my Dr a "stupid punk" and mumbled a bunch more mormon obscenities under my breath (i apologized with treat baskets to both of them - haha) Of course the first thing I did was call mom - she had just got back home after almost a week in Alabama at Skye's photography workshop. I told her I was dialated and she needed to think about getting in her car and heading down! But we decided i would call her when the contractions turned harder and more consistant. I spent the rest of the day cleaning and running around doing whatever i could think of that would stress my uterus, hoping it would put me into labour! I even went to my essential oil supply lady, who had a bottle of Clary sage. It is supposedly helpful in regulating contractions - she said to be careful with it since she had seen it work so many times!! I went home and basically rubbed it all over my body like lotion! ahaha I had a ton of fairly strong, consistant contractions the rest of the day and was faintly hoping to wake up in the night in full-out labour. But it didn't happen. oh well. I woke up to stronger contractions, but unlike monday's contractions these ones didn't get consistant. They were all over the place! ten HARD contractions, then nothing for an hour, then 25-30 ranging from every 4-10 min. But they were hard!!! i spend the entire day on the couch suffering, rubbing on oils and waiting for Lane to walk in the door at 8. (Lane has been hauling dirt for the oilfield, getting up at 4am, doing chores, then leaving on his semi from 7-5, then back to chores till 8) I bawled to him a bit and sat in the bath for a solid hour. I didn't eat anything. The contractions made me nauseated, and when your in pain you don't really realize your hungry ya know?? I got out of the bath called mom, and fell into bed, certain id wake up just like with Locke and Jones at 4 am ready to go to the hospital. But i woke up at 7am to....nothing. what??!? ugh. I was a bit discouraged, but Kennedy had driven out that night with her husband Chris - for the past few weeks he had been shadowing Dr Syndergaarrd to get hours for Med school. So i had some fun to look forward to! When Kennedy came upstairs a bit later, she had Katiya in tow!! my brand new - 1 month old sister-in-law who i had only met once!! unfortunatley she was in Utah for a family funeral but had kept it a secret to surprise me. It was a super fun morning we spent going over every detail of her wedding (i wasn't able to make it :( i finally got my greencard the week after they got married, and i was 8 months pregs) and i did my best to ignore my painful and weird inconsistant contractions!! Chris and my Dr went to a neighboring town to do appointments and wouldn't be back till 1 to finish a few things in Roosevelt. So at 11:30 The girls and I decided to head into town to grab some lunch and drop it off to Chris. Locke took the oppertunity to go play at Lane's sisters house and we took Jones into town with us. There is this super yummy greasy spoon called Round Robin that is run by methodist's and every scrap is handmade - so not good for you but totally delicious. They are only open for lunch 3 days a week and luckily this afternoon it was open! But as we started chowing down in the van (jones had fallen asleep) I couldn't ignore my contractions any longer. My nausea was so strong i made sure i had Lockes barf bucket handy (he doesn't do well on long drives...) and we called Chris to see if Dr syndergaarrd could see me! Luckily they were on their way back and we met them at the hospital only 10 min later. I was at a 4!! and i couldn't help crying a bit - some attributed to the fact that he stripped my membranes again, and most because I was so relieved to find out the contractions would be over soon. Being in labour for 36 hours was NOT something i had ever done before! (although it wasn't true labour?? i'm not sure what it was. but it hurt, and i was just glad that part was over.) Dr Syndergaarrd sent us down to the OB wing and said he'd meet me there in a bit. I called Lane and told him to make his way over, he was in Vernal driving but told me he could be here in an hour. Now the wing is at the end of a VERY long hallway that was painful and made my hips scream, but i tried (once again) to ignore it - i wanted this labour to come on hard and strong! So we made it to the ob doors and just as we were about to be buzzed in when i realized I hadn't officially checked into the hospital. I literally didn't think my hips could take that hallway again, but i forced myself to put one foot in front of the other to make it back to the OTHER END of the hospital and get all the paperwork done. Katiya, Kennedy, and Chris were going over the morning, chatting, laughing, playing with Jones, and completely oblivious to my pain! haha looking back its really funny. They had never been around a labouring pregnant lady and seriously had no idea what to do with me! I felt a bit helpless. I knew they were all there to help but had no idea what to offer - and i didn't know what i wanted from them. Just something. Something that would help me?? when we finally made it back to the front of the hospital a friggin angel of mercy stood at the front doors - MOM. I had no idea she had even left, let alone come straight to a hospital she had never been in before. I broke down - MOM WOULD KNOW. she would know how to help, how to ease my stress. I couldn't stop the tears that came from just looking into her caring face - when she hugged me i just lost it. which i think shocked my other family members, but i didn't care. mom was here. oh mercy.
I quickly checked in and with the elation of mom being there i didn't even notice how long the hallway was. Now the chatter was welcome, it was a nice distraction from all the turmoil happening in my body! We got settled in the room contractions came to a complete stalemate. When the nurses came in and started hooking me up i tried not to get too deflated - i was dreading which one was going to tell me to go home and wait for me to come back in real labour. Dr syndergaarrd showed up and i tried not to cry when i explained how my contractions were compeltely gone. In his simple, no nonsense way he asked if I wanted to break my water. WHAT!!?!? isn't that what happens when the your about ready to have a baby??!? I was so confused - i wanted the baby to come when she was ready, not because i forced her to. I've always been very passionate about that! and lucky enough to go into labour naturally with my other two. But Collins was going to show me that things didn't always go the way i think they should! The Dr and nurse sat there looking at me while i had a very serious and stern inner debate. I decided to call Lane and make sure he was truly on his way before i made a decision (he has been know to sneak in a few more chores before showing up...) Luckily he was fairly close so I made a very controversial decision for myself and decided to let them break my water. Which they did. and then Lane showed up. and still....nothin. NOTHING. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry!! The nurse reassured me there was no way i was going home so i decided to go walking to get the party started. Lane was strangely SILENT during this whole process, and you'll notice in the picture of us walking down the hall he has a big wet spot on his low back! He later told me he had felt super sick all day and didn't dare say anything for fear it would cause him to throw up! horrible timing stomach flu...! he was doing the cold-sweat thing and i didn't even notice till we looked at the pictures later! poor guy!
After we walked around for a half hour or so we got back to the room, i attempted to get onto the bed, and a crippling contraction took over!! my body finally decided to get into labour. it was bittersweet! as you can imagine...within the next half hour the contractions went from every 10 min to every 1 1/2 min! I was begging for an epidural then, i wasnt getting a break between contractions and was terrified i would have to have her au natural! But just like with Jones we slipped the epidural in when i was at 8 cm dialated and a i got a bit of a break. kinda. It only took on my right side, and i was super uncomfortable. that's when my angel of mercy, mother, decided she would whip out all these amazing counter-pressure tricks, most notably pushing my knees into my hips and pushing my forehead really hard with her palm. hahaha it sounds so strange now, but it helped SOO much with the pain! The forehead was the best, i felt like i could disappear under her hand for a bit?? it made me feel like a little kid? it was so strange the way it helped me, emotionally?? anyway i loved it. mom would push my forehead and Lane pushed on my knees, it was incredibly effective! Kennedy, Chris, Katiya, and Jones left, then the nurse made the mistake of saying the dr had better get here or the baby was going to make it before he did, and i completely freaked out in my mind. I had them break my water so my Dr could be there to deliver her! i basically trust Dr syndergaarrd with my life, we get along really well and he is REALLY good at motivating me to keep pushing at the end. Its a gift i swear. He walked in seconds later though and I started pushing. it was actually really neat to only have one side of me frozen and made me kinda wish i hadn't got an epidural, pushing felt SO GOOD and i felt like i knew exactly what my body needed to do to get the baby here. It was bizzare and painful and strangely invigorating to find out what my body was capable of! And although after a bit of pushing i did stop and drill the Dr, trying to get him to tell me HOW MANY MORE pushes. Exactly . I wanted to know what else i had to do! haha but of course he dodged the question and got me back to focusing on each push and the progress each one made. He's amazing. and only a few short minutes later Collins was born. Mom cut the umbilical cord, Lane never has and doesn't ever want to - its just not his thing! And the nurse put the baby straight on my chest and told me not to break skin to skin contact for the next three hours. My best friend Tai is an OB nurse at the hospital and had already brought me up to speed on the new, natural steps that were being taken after delivery. So Collins was goopy, sticky, and swollen but it was so satisfying to hug her seconds after being born. I loved it! The incredible thing was she nursed only a half hour later! i didn't have to help her at all! i am now a huge advocate of the skin to skin contact immediately after delivery. I bonded instantly with her! and i swear its a big reason why she is such a great nurser now. Less than half hour after her delivery they brought in my dinner tray and on it sat the biggest, whole wheat sandwhich i had ever seen. I grabbed it and started mowing down! i hadn't really eaten anything since sunday so as soon as my contractions were over and the nausea was gone i realized i was starving! Now one of my favorite pictures is the one of me eating that sandwhich!
Kennedy and mom are credited with all the pictures, and other than the few snapped right at the beggining i don't remember any of them, infact after i told mom i was sad i didn't tell her to take a few during the whole crazy process. Surprise surprise! she had managed to stay right by my side and yet still take a few amazin shots i can't wait to put into her baby book.
So there you have it, Collins story. She has stolen all of our hearts, and we fall in love with her more everyday! i feel incredibly lucky to have our little girl here, healthy and happy!