lately.

Today was rough. Collins slept a total of 10 min today, and out of desperation to feel like i accomplished something, i let her cry it out in her bouncy seat while i vacuumed the basement with lightning speed. Locke tapped my shoulder and asked to play on my phone 855802052085 times today (i'm on the verge of burning that dang thing…) and Jones would NOT stop grabbing Collins's hand or foot to squeeze the life out of it! he does not get the term "soft" in any form. It was a day i felt like all i was doing was scolding. not teaching. not parenting. not accomplishing. anything. When lane got home  it was all i could do to burst into tears. There was no dinner even started - in fact i had completely forgotten all about it because the only thing i tried so hard to remember was to move the dang sprinkler around the lawn without flooding the basement. So Lane did what he does best - help me! we loaded everyone into the van and headed into town to grab a bite to eat. after the kids fell asleep on the way there, i turned off their cartoon and blasted the radio while dancing with all my might. When we got home Lane turned to me and said, "bad day?" (while trying not to smile, which meant it made his lip quiver. My absolutely favorite thing about him. he is incapable of lying because of it.) By this time i was feeling bucket loads better. But it wasn't until Jones woke up at midnight and i went in to comfort him did my day become amazing. As i sat there rubbing his back and analyzing my middle child, i was completely overcome with all the love i had for that little guy. Right now he has a nasty gash over his eye where the nursery bully threw a metal car at his face, short bangs where he got a hold of my craft scissors (the dull zig zag ones) and gave himself a haircut, and a ton of nasty earwax literally falling out of his ears - but to attempt to extract it would basically mean wrestling with a pissed off baboon so…He is a beautiful mess. And to explain how much i love him would be impossible. i think i'm finally starting to understand a mothers love. I have decades until i understand what that really means, but i remember being pregnant with collins, thinking there was no way my heart could expand to fit the love of another child. but it did. and the love for my other children actually grew. I know i'm super blessed to have these three crazy kids but there are days that weigh on me. And make me feel unfit as a parent. and not good enough. But then there are these small, extremely important moments that happen, and i just feel the spirit so strong. Tonight was one. sitting with Jones, and just loving on him till i felt like my heart would burst.